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Newest Articles (Summer-Fall)

Top Secret Societies: http://universitychic.com/top_college_secret_societies

Dating a Harvard Dude: http://universitychic.com/article/would-you-date-dude-harvard

Dorm Decor Essentials: http://universitychic.com/article/dorm-decorating-essentials-owl-accents-aplenty

Maxi Dresses: http://universitychic.com/article/trend-report-hottest-maxi-dresses-summer

Cardis: http://universitychic.com/trend_report_new_fall_cardigans

Taking your ex out of your online experience: http://universitychic.com/article/how-take-your-ex-out-your-online-experience

It is exactly a month since I last posted about feeling back at square one. Tonight, and for the past few nights, I feel the same way. Perhaps it is because I have a lot of very personal stuff going on and he was my “go to” person to lean on when things got rough. It would make sense that I am longing for that person again- but what is difficult now is that I hardly remember what it is like to be with this person; I don’t remember the anything specific, including the bad times. I can’t remind myself of how bad it was because it hardly feels real now anyway. It has been three months (feels like a lot longer!) and I used to be OK. Was it because I was suppressing these feelings? Pretending like he didn’t exist at all? Pretending that our history wasn’t a part of me? There are so many things that he lacked- so many things he didn’t do for me. Yet I cry and consider calling him after three months of hard work to get “over” everything. I feel like because I have these terrible days and I feel as though it is more painful now than the day we broke up, that I am not really over anything at all. I am not sure what else to do- how else to “get over it”. Maybe I just need time, and all the things I was doing before was just fluff to get me by. Maybe I just need to let go and forget about the past. Work towards the future and stop making “deadlines” for my feelings to meet. Who says I need to be over this in three months? I do- and that is the problem. Should we set deadlines? Should we say enough is enough and just cease caring?

Friends at last?

I feel like ex and I can be friends. I called him for some advice yesterday morning and everything was great- it felt normal, not awkward, and as though we have reached a new level in the break up saga; friendship. I’m glad for this. And I might attribute this to the great guy I met just a month ago. He and I are nothing in terms of “dating” or “sleeping together”; we are just friends. However, I think it is knowing that there is even a prospect out there that makes me want to move forward and unleash myself from the chains of relationships past.

Heres to hope! Happy Wednesday. Make it your best day yet.

Square One?

Tonight I cried because I was upset. I have no idea why I am upset about him not being in my life anymore. I have been positive, I have such good days, and then such bad days. For the past three nights I have had dreams about getting back together with him. I know I don’t want to- he is no good for me and the relationship was unhealthy. So why am I thinking about it? The dreams seem so real they almost give me the sense that we are still going out. Like he is still in my life. Why do I still care? It has been two months! Although I know I am not going to just pick up and move on, I feel like I am in relationship purgatory. I can’t seem to fully pass on. At this point I don’t remember what it feels like to be with him at all. I can hardly patch together vivid memories in my mind and I am almost repulsed by the idea of kissing him. Half of me seems to have moved on but the other half is still holding onto something that is terrible for  me. He made me doubt who I am, question my self worth and in turn I allowed myself to stay with someone I was miserable with. So why, STILL after weeks of writing on this blog, after meeting new people and getting my OWN life, am I mentally attached to him? Is it the comfort he provides? Am I just missing my family so much I am reverting back to old habits of comfort while I am away from them? Are the dreams triggering me (yes, probably) and are they a reflection of what I really want? How could I possibly miss someone who is totally different now- someone I could not stand just weeks before he broke up with me. I guess the idea of starting over with someone new (although those feelings are also amazing) that scares me. Taking months to get to that comfort level where you can really be yourself. Then again, maybe if it is the right person it won’t take very long at all. I suppose the journey along the way to comfort is the best part of life- learning more about yourself through someone else. I just wish I could say I came out a better person after all was said and done with him. Now I just feel like I don’t know who I am- or what I am worth. All I can do for now is just remind myself that I am beautiful inside and out and I will one day be able to meet someone else who will truly see that- and cherish it. Until then, the ride is bumpy, for sure.

Relapse

Today I decided to use Facebook to torture myself. Now I can barely contain myself.

I went to a concert tonight where the music should have made the old me sad and upset. The new me was happy because I knew I’d get to share my love for music with someone new (eventually). I was really glad that I didn’t feel like crying in a state of panic. However, after the concert I decided to visit ex’s Facebook page. Mistake. Always a mistake no matter when I do it. I really wish I had the willpower to defriend him but alas, I do not. Anyway, I completely just started crying because I was flipping through his pictures. I guess just looking at the memories we had really just hit a nerve. I rarely cry or even think about these things. Is it because I am actively suppressing them? Is it because I don’t want to allow myself to feel this pain anymore and so I just choose not to remember these things?

These pictures made me revisit my past with this man. It made me realize that he is no longer in my life. In theory, he could be in my life and we could continue to make memories. I can’t decide if I am so upset because I miss him being around me doing fun things or if I am just longing to be with someone in general. To quote John Mayer, do I love him or the thought of him? Seriously I think towards the end I just loved the thought of him- knowing that someone would be there for me even if that person offered little support. So since I basically answered my own question indirectly, why don’t you answer this for me; if I know it is so wrong, why am I STILL unable to shake this feeling of shock that he is no longer a part of my life? I get that we all need a certain unspecified time to heal and that in time I will eventually feel totally over it (or as far over someone you can be after spending two years with them). The thing is, I am mostly happy about being single because I have the chance to be with someone so much better. I know that this part relationship was so bad for so long that automatically my next relationship (should I choose the right man) is going to be so much better.

Am I suppressing this too much? This is perhaps one of the most unorganized and ambiguous blog posts. What to do? Suggestions? Advice? Drinks?!

Have a happy Wednesday. I think I am going to start updating more about being single and my wonderful fabulous single life! Stay tuned!

Idyllic or Realistic?

For my latest indulgence, I am reading “How to Love Like a Hot Chick”. In order to become more adjusted to the idea of being single (and to remember how to flirt with the opposite sex) I wanted to try and read up on some dating literature (since I am so fond of breakup literature). The authors of the book suggest that in order to start dating (and become a “hot chick”) women need to create the perfect boyfriend. They leave you space in the book to write in detail what qualities and traits you want in a partner- and when I say in detail, I mean in paragraph form. From what kind of underwear he wears right down to how many pairs he owns- these gals want you to plan out basically every aspect of your imaginary man. Now, I have a little bit of a problem with this. In my head, I have a wonderful image of the perfect man- he’s compassionate, smart, affectionate, and willing to do what it takes to make me happy (among other things). However, part of me feels as though having a very detailed image of what your perfect man is like is really only setting you up for disaster.

I think that creating this image of a perfect man in your head only leaves you with the desire to constantly search for this “perfection” that may or may not exist. Yes, you might find someone who is perfect- who has every quality on your laundry list but, you also may never meet this person. I feel as though so many women have this list of qualifications (must want 2-3 kids, physically fit, doctor, lawyer or the like, etc) that they are so set on having that they easily dismiss so many great guys that are so eager to date them! My philosophy has always been to keep some qualities in the “must” category (respectful, affectionate, loving, compassionate) but I also have learned not to be so close-minded. I understand that there may not be the perfect man out there- someone who has all 150 qualities that I am looking for- but there might be someone out there that comes pretty damn close to being perfect.

So tell me- do you think that the “hot chick” advice is good advice? Do you think that by understanding that someone might come close to being perfect but might  not be the total package (granted the qualities we are sacrificing are not vital and of the utmost importance when it comes to the relationship as a whole) you would be settling? Or do you think that being so specific with what we want in a mate is unrealistic?

Personally, there are some qualities I refuse to budge on, but for the most part I try to keep an open mind.

Break From Reality…

So I took a little break from writing because I felt I was getting too emotional and that continuing to talk and write about the breakup was really hurting me. I think I have been better since I have not been obsessing about every little thing… but I think I have also gotten worse because I am not expressing any feelings. So, lets talk about why it’s great to be single.

- I don’t have to answer to anyone.

- I don’t have to justify ANYTHING to ANYBODY but MYSELF.

- I can date who ever, whenever, and wherever I damn well please.

- The possibility of meeting someone new and amazing is always in my future (and will eventually happen… one day).

- I can eat anything I want for dinner- And I don’t need to feel guilty when he pays for me all the time… and then I don’t have to feel as though I need to pick up the check for him once in a while because… there is no “him”!

- I can get in my car and take a day trip/road trip… or I can take a staycation. I can pretty much do whatever I want because I don’t have to answer to anyone else.

- I can move anywhere and not have to worry about a “long distance relationship” with someone.

- When my horoscope says I will be “lucky in love”, I actually believe it… and when my horoscope says otherwise… I just ignore it because I’m single and free to make my life the way I want it. Whatever way that may be…

- No fighting. No arguments. No going to bed angry. And no sharing the bed. Period.

Granted, some of these things are silly but a few of them really are wonderful. I love that I can do whatever I want with my life and I don’t have to feel bad about moving somewhere or limiting myself to opportunities in a certain area because I don’t want to do long distance. I no longer determine my self-worth through someone else. I don’t have to fight about stupid things and have it turn into a tear-fest. And of course, I never have to apologize first to myself!

But I do miss sharing Sunday afternoons with someone. I miss sharing the bed with someone (sometimes). I have the empty feeling inside me… It’s not sadness or anger… it is just empty. But I know one day I will find someone else who is better for me. I just need to remind myself of that… and also of the fact that a relationship is just an added bonus to my already wonderful life!

Happy weekend everyone. Do something that makes you feel great to be single!

Loud Thoughts

It seems as though I can’t get him off my mind. I am tying my shoe and as if I am in a scene from a movie, I see a flashback of a dinner we had a year ago. I am washing the dishes and I find that I can only think of cooking with him. I doing something completely and totally unrelated to anything that has to do with him and I cannot seem to get my mind off of him.

How am I supposed to live this this? Maybe because for the past two months I have;

1. Told myself we might get back together (first week)

2. Told myself we can still be good friends (first week through now… yes, even now)

3. Told myself that tomorrow he will call me and things will go back to “normal” (these past few days)

4. Told myself this is a bad dream, a joke, and that it is not the reality of my life (right. this. second.)

All these memories are keeping me from moving on. How am I supposed to stop thinking about these things when I am not thinking about them in the first place and they STILL haunt me. I need to press delete, move him to trash, erase him from the hard-drive of my mind. Things that I had forgotten about or didn’t even think about when we were together now make me want to cry instantly. I was doing much better… until I wasn’t. I made all these revelations, found new people to enjoy being with, gone on dates with other men- so why am I back to where I started?

I guess I just need to find a way to be even stronger. If only I knew where to look for said strength. Suggestions? ‘Cause I need them now more than ever.

Breakup Literature

Here are a few “self-help” books that I have found to be particularly useful while I was going through the early stages of my break-up. I will admit, these titles only temporarily helped ease the pain (probably because they made me realize there are plenty of people out there who have felt the same way) but when the break-up is fresh, and relief is better than none. Since I basically scoured every inch of Barnes and Nobles “relationships” section and bought any book that seemed promising I am pretty much an expert. Thus,  I divided them up based upon personality types.

If you are (usually) fun loving, witty, and sarcastic, try…

“Its Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken”

[http://www.amazon.com/Its-Called-Breakup-Because-Broken/dp/0767921852]

This was the very first “self-help” book I had ever read in my entire life… and it did not disappoint! Perhaps one of my favorite books, the self proclaimed “break-up bible” really helped me to stop thinking about the pain and start rationalizing my thoughts. Was this person really right for me? No. Why? Because the relationship was indeed broken.  The authors (two troubled singles who met and married each other after terrible, world crushing break-ups) offer witty and most of all REAL advice- even sometimes offering up the answers that you don’t want to hear but know you have to. All in all, one of my favorites because it really did help me forget about the break-up and start thinking about the person I was to become now that I was out of that bad relationship. For a week or two after I finished reading it (note: read it in one sitting!) I carried it around to refer back to it when I was having a bad day (another note: obsessing over Mr. Ex). RATING: A+

If you are (usually) serious, methodical and rational try…

“How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days”

[http://www.amazon.com/Heal-Broken-Heart-Days-Day/dp/0767909089/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252981777&sr=1-1]

This was not my favorite of the bunch. First of all, I don’t think there is any set time as to when you will be “over” your broken heart. However, the concept of the book is intelligent; the authors give you different “meditations” to ponder, mull over and digest everyday for a month. They concentrate on self love, self dependence, forgiveness, and easing the pain through various exercises. One that I found to be particularly useful was towards the beginning when the authors ask you to create the “perfect partner”. After making a list of the ideal qualities I would want in a mate, I realized that my ex had few of these qualities (and that many of them grew out of the qualities I disliked about my ex). The list made me realize that eventually, when I am ready to love again I will not settle like I did last time, and I will find someone who is much better suited for me. Although after the thirty days I felt better (some days more than others) it was not a “miracle cute”. RATING: B-

If you (usually) love your girlfriends, enjoy getting together, and are peppy try…

“Its Called a Breakup Not a Breakdown”

[http://www.amazon.com/Its-Breakup-Not-Breakdown-change/dp/1598691724/ref=pd_sim_b_13]

This was my least favorite. I returned it after reading (most) of it because I thought it did not help me whatsoever. Instead of offering ways to rationalize the breakup, understand that the relationship was probably not the right one for you and to get over it, the author serves up distractions. She suggests having a group of buddies to call whenever you are feeling upset (this would be just about every second for me and my friends did not deserve that). She also suggests having a party to celebrate your independence with your closest friend (note: these should be the friends you are calling up to bitch to about your feelings but if you do that you might not have anyone to invite to the party). In my opinion, these tactics are simply distracting you from the pain (very temporary) and will not lead you to discover any truths about the breakup that you should come to terms with (that he really wansn’t that great in bed- or on a higher level that you really weren’t that great together). RATING: C

If you (on most days) have come to terms with the fact that you are your ex are not meant to be, but still need a little push into the world of single living, try…

“Better Single Than Sorry”

[http://www.amazon.com/Better-Single-Than-Sorry-No-Regrets/dp/B002ECEFIA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1252984926&sr=1-1]

To be honest, I have yet to read this book. Many of my girlfriends have read it and said it really made them realize that being single is great. It made them feel as though it was OK to be on their own- OK not to be in a pair. To be honest, that is what I need right now. I need to know that being alone is perfectly normal, and that I will be perfectly fine without a man in my life. I think it is worth a shot. RATING: To be determined. Stay tuned!

If you are going through a breakup, went through one and have yet to “get over it” fully, or even thinking about breaking up with someone, I highly recommend considering self-help books. Although sometimes embarrassing to purchase (hence why I offer Amazon links) I believe they help you rationalize your thoughts during a time of overwhelming events and life changes. I hope you try at least one- there is bound to be something in there that will help you out!

Good luck, and feel free to post your reviews (or disagree with mine) in the comments!