Square One?

Tonight I cried because I was upset. I have no idea why I am upset about him not being in my life anymore. I have been positive, I have such good days, and then such bad days. For the past three nights I have had dreams about getting back together with him. I know I don’t want to- he is no good for me and the relationship was unhealthy. So why am I thinking about it? The dreams seem so real they almost give me the sense that we are still going out. Like he is still in my life. Why do I still care? It has been two months! Although I know I am not going to just pick up and move on, I feel like I am in relationship purgatory. I can’t seem to fully pass on. At this point I don’t remember what it feels like to be with him at all. I can hardly patch together vivid memories in my mind and I am almost repulsed by the idea of kissing him. Half of me seems to have moved on but the other half is still holding onto something that is terrible for  me. He made me doubt who I am, question my self worth and in turn I allowed myself to stay with someone I was miserable with. So why, STILL after weeks of writing on this blog, after meeting new people and getting my OWN life, am I mentally attached to him? Is it the comfort he provides? Am I just missing my family so much I am reverting back to old habits of comfort while I am away from them? Are the dreams triggering me (yes, probably) and are they a reflection of what I really want? How could I possibly miss someone who is totally different now- someone I could not stand just weeks before he broke up with me. I guess the idea of starting over with someone new (although those feelings are also amazing) that scares me. Taking months to get to that comfort level where you can really be yourself. Then again, maybe if it is the right person it won’t take very long at all. I suppose the journey along the way to comfort is the best part of life- learning more about yourself through someone else. I just wish I could say I came out a better person after all was said and done with him. Now I just feel like I don’t know who I am- or what I am worth. All I can do for now is just remind myself that I am beautiful inside and out and I will one day be able to meet someone else who will truly see that- and cherish it. Until then, the ride is bumpy, for sure.

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